NFL Commish Hands Down Another Fine
Determined to leave an immediate mark upon the league by fining and suspending whomever he can, NFL Commissioner Roger Gooddell has struck again, this time fining New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress. The infraction of the league's conduct policy occurred after Burress caught a touchdown pass against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers last Sunday when he was seen smiling in the end zone. According to the description accompanying the $7,500 fine, Burress was "enjoying himself a little too much on the field."
"I will not rest until I stamp out every bit of individuality the players in this league possess," Gooddell declared, banging his fists on the podium behind which he stood. "It has no place in life and it certainly has no place in the National Football League. Why certain players insist on putting their personalities on display is beyond me. Don't they know I will crush them and fine them until they are left with nothing in the bank? Fans of the NFL should rest assured that after I am done, the players' behavior will be acceptable to middle-aged white men everywhere in mainstream America.
"Truth be told," Gooddell continued, "I would prefer if we had actual robots who could go on the field and play football. Since sadly that technology is not yet available, we will make do with what we have now until it is."
However, even though Roger Gooddell thinks 90% of the players still need to be completely assimilated into the NFL culture by having their spirits completely broken, particularly the wide receivers, he did go out of his way to point out those players who do fit the mold he is trying to impose on everyone.
"Take a player like Marvin Harrison," he said, his eyes actually glazing over with tears as he spoke of the Colts receiver. "He never yells or displays any sort of personality on the field. He just goes about his business and never complains at all. And then there's that Asian or whatever he is, Troy Polamula, who outside of his long hair, which he will have to cut if he chooses to stay in this league, is another model minority. I mean, model player."
After speaking these words, Gooddell struck his chest with a closed fist and raised his right arm in the air, stiff with his fingers outstretched but still held tightly together, thereby signaling the end of his press conference and dismissing the reporters gathered.
"I will not rest until I stamp out every bit of individuality the players in this league possess," Gooddell declared, banging his fists on the podium behind which he stood. "It has no place in life and it certainly has no place in the National Football League. Why certain players insist on putting their personalities on display is beyond me. Don't they know I will crush them and fine them until they are left with nothing in the bank? Fans of the NFL should rest assured that after I am done, the players' behavior will be acceptable to middle-aged white men everywhere in mainstream America.
"Truth be told," Gooddell continued, "I would prefer if we had actual robots who could go on the field and play football. Since sadly that technology is not yet available, we will make do with what we have now until it is."
However, even though Roger Gooddell thinks 90% of the players still need to be completely assimilated into the NFL culture by having their spirits completely broken, particularly the wide receivers, he did go out of his way to point out those players who do fit the mold he is trying to impose on everyone.
"Take a player like Marvin Harrison," he said, his eyes actually glazing over with tears as he spoke of the Colts receiver. "He never yells or displays any sort of personality on the field. He just goes about his business and never complains at all. And then there's that Asian or whatever he is, Troy Polamula, who outside of his long hair, which he will have to cut if he chooses to stay in this league, is another model minority. I mean, model player."
After speaking these words, Gooddell struck his chest with a closed fist and raised his right arm in the air, stiff with his fingers outstretched but still held tightly together, thereby signaling the end of his press conference and dismissing the reporters gathered.
Labels: Satire
posted by David at
1:40 AM
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