Anti-Pinocchio

Citing the $10,000 fine levied against him for doing so, Chicago Bulls rookie forward Tyrus Thomas has pledged to never tell the truth again, especially not to reporters who are only looking to twist a player's words in order to create a news story anyway. Looking back at the maelstrom his words created, Thomas regrets being honest about how the $16,125 he could expect for simply being in the All-Star Slam Dunk Contest was the only impetus for his participation and how he has no interest in associating with any of the NBA's legends during the All-Star Weekend.

"I blame my mama for this one," Thomas stated. "All my life she kept telling me that honesty was the best policy and that I would get punished a lot less if I just came clean and told her the truth about what I had done wrong. Obviously, she was wrong and my life would have been a whole lot easier if I had learned to lie convincingly at an earlier age."

Thomas added: "Maybe if I had starting lying earlier, I wouldn't find myself in a situation where I might only be making $6,125 net for dunking a basketball."

Not only is Thomas saying that he is planning to lie to news reporters from now on, but he has already begun to do so by saying he regrets the statements he made about the slam dunk contest and that he really is looking forward to it since it is such an honor to even be invited. Thomas has also bought Sports Cliches for Dummies and claims he will only speak in sports cliches from now on no matter what the question in order to avoid criticism from the media for having even one original thought in his brain.

In order to avoid having other future professional athletes meet the same fate that he did, Thomas has planned a lecture series where he will talk about the dangers of telling the truth to anyone holding a microphone or video camera or tape recorder.