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Just The Sports: Media Influence

Just The Sports

Monday, January 29, 2007

Media Influence

With Barbaro's recent euthanization, Americans are waiting with bated breath for the national news media to inform them the indentity of the next terminal animate being they should ceaselessly and mindlessly care about, enduring update after update before the subject's inevitable timely demise.

The upcoming revelation is causing suspense among American news watchers on par with the feelings usually associated with Christmas and New Year's. Some citizens, like Margaret Hart from Peoria, Illinois, are planning parties to commemorate the next person or animal the media will cram down the throats of the public.

"I really hope it's a person this time," Hart remarked. "Not that I have anything against horses; some of my best friends are horses, My Little Ponies, to be exact. But it's a lot easier to drum up sympathy for someone I can at least point to and say that that person would be attractive-ish if he wasn't in a persistent vegetative state with his limbs curling back on him. What would be really awesome is if it were a celebrity. I have no problem at all being forcefed the details of celebrities' lives."

Boston, Massachusetts resident Lauren Fletcher, for one, just wishes the national media would go ahead and pick the next imminent victim for the Grim Reaper. After learning of Barbaro's death, Fletcher was unable to perform her receptionist duties for a full five minutes, allowing all incoming calls to go straight to voicemail. "I just can't take it anymore," Fletcher stated, admitting that she wrote numerous get-well cards to Barbaro and almost got angry at him for not answering them before remembering he could not read. "Worrying about the rollercoaster health of Barbaro took a lot out of me. Every couple weeks, I read about him getting better only for a report to come out a few days later that he was on the verge of death again. The quicker I know the next person whose health I should follow religiously, the quicker I can forget about all the grieving and sadness Barbaro caused me."

When asked if she was going to manifest the same grieving behavior for every single race horse that suffered a catastrophic injury, Fletcher responded: "No and if they want me to, they should have the decency to get injured on national network television, shouldn't they?"

Spokespersons for national media outlets, including ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, and FOX, report that the American public will not be forced to think for themselves for too much longer as they have already begun trolling hospices and hoping for national disasters in order to uncover the next mortal being for the nation to throw all its support behind.



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