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Just The Sports: Tomlinson's Hobby (Satire)

Just The Sports

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Tomlinson's Hobby (Satire)

Confirming what close friends and complete strangers have long suspected, San Diego Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson recently revealed the fact that beating dead horses has been a life-long hobby of his. Although Tomlinson acknowledges football is his first love because it pays his bills, if it were up to him, he would do nothing but beat dead horses all day long.

"There's nothing better than beating a dead horse," Tomlinson stated slowly and without a hint of emotion. "The first time I beat a dead horse I was eight years old and my childhood friend, Donald Chappel, had been trash-talking after scoring a touchdown on me. Well, that made me so mad I took my football and went right home.

"Then on the way home I saw a dead horse lying on the sidewalk and figured if I beat it long and hard enough that Chappel would learn his lesson and never talk trash to me again. He didn't, but beating that dead horse left me feeling superior to him anyway."

Tomlinson's wife LaTorsha, who has been the cause of many dead horses being beaten, took a while, but she says she has learned to live with her husband's idiosyncrasy. "When we first started dating, I was always asking LaDainian why he kept beating dead horses and why he couldn't just let them be dead in peace," LaTorsha said. "Now I don't even give it a second thought. It's just who he is."

In order to reach out to the San Diego community, Tomlinson has announced formal plans for the Beat A Dead Horse Center. Tomlinson pledges the center will be a place where anyone can come to beat dead horses, no matter how small and petty they might appear to the casual observer, without fear of recrimination.



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