Lloyd Carr's Surgery Plans
Recently retired Lloyd Carr, the former football head coach of the University of Michigan Wolverines, has announced plans to have surgery to remove his hands from around his neck, thus eliminating the affliction he has suffered from and had to coach under since at least the 2000 season. Carr hopes his quality of life will finally be improved and he will no longer be hindered from going about his daily tasks while at the same time having to worry about whether or not he would pass out from a lack of oxygen.
Speaking candidly for the first time about his disorder, Lloyd Carr stated, "Surgery is really the last resort; I've tried everything else. No matter how much game planning I formulated or how much game film I watched or even how much I got out on the recruiting trail, I just could not get my hands from around my throat. It was worst when I was facing Ohio State and during bowl games, but let me tell you, it was no picnic against any of the opponents I led my football teams against."
"I really can't wait to experience what life is like without my hands firmly grasped around my neck and tightening whenever I experienced any sort of pressure," Carr added.
Dr. James E. Carpenter, the chairman of the University of Michigan Orthopaedic Surgery and the head orthopaedic team physician for the University of Michigan athletic department, will be performing the surgery on Lloyd Carr as a last favor to the coach and reported, "In all my years as a surgeon, I've never seen a more extreme case of someone's hands wrapped around his neck. To think Lloyd's been allowed to coach under this condition is quite disturbing."
Dr. Carpenter also stated, "When someone's hands are constantly around his neck, oxygen is then unable to reach the brain, the person is subject to making bad decisions, freezing up at tense situations, and being outperformed by those whose hands are nowhere near their necks. As a Michigan football fan, I just wished Lloyd had scheduled the surgery seven years ago, but it is what it is."
If the surgery is successful, Alex Rodriguez has promised the Yankees that he would also undergo the surgery in order to avoid another embarrassing postseason.
Speaking candidly for the first time about his disorder, Lloyd Carr stated, "Surgery is really the last resort; I've tried everything else. No matter how much game planning I formulated or how much game film I watched or even how much I got out on the recruiting trail, I just could not get my hands from around my throat. It was worst when I was facing Ohio State and during bowl games, but let me tell you, it was no picnic against any of the opponents I led my football teams against."
"I really can't wait to experience what life is like without my hands firmly grasped around my neck and tightening whenever I experienced any sort of pressure," Carr added.
Dr. James E. Carpenter, the chairman of the University of Michigan Orthopaedic Surgery and the head orthopaedic team physician for the University of Michigan athletic department, will be performing the surgery on Lloyd Carr as a last favor to the coach and reported, "In all my years as a surgeon, I've never seen a more extreme case of someone's hands wrapped around his neck. To think Lloyd's been allowed to coach under this condition is quite disturbing."
Dr. Carpenter also stated, "When someone's hands are constantly around his neck, oxygen is then unable to reach the brain, the person is subject to making bad decisions, freezing up at tense situations, and being outperformed by those whose hands are nowhere near their necks. As a Michigan football fan, I just wished Lloyd had scheduled the surgery seven years ago, but it is what it is."
If the surgery is successful, Alex Rodriguez has promised the Yankees that he would also undergo the surgery in order to avoid another embarrassing postseason.
Labels: Satire
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