Chris Wallace's Plan

Memphis Grizzlies general manager Chris Wallace formally petitioned the NBA to allow the Grizzlies to play with two basketballs at the same time on offense. The request was a direct result of Wallace's mishandling of the Grizzlies' roster, moves that have resulted in the Grizzlies having four unproven backcourt players who all need to dominate the ball to succeed while having at most one viable low-post scoring threat to balance out the team's offense.

"To be honest," Wallace wrote in his petition, "I'm not even really equipped to be a general manager; there are just way too many players to keep up with. When I traded the franchise's best player away for less than equal value in a deal that gave us rookie point guard Javaris Crittenton, it wasn't until my friends called and asked me had I lost my mind and didn't I realize I already had enough young point guards [Kyle Lowry and Mike Conley, Jr.] without adding another [Crittenton] to the mix that I remembered they were right and I was reproducing the same player over and over. Apparently, that's a bad idea so I tried to get the NBA to give me a trade mulligan. Turns out there is no such thing."

"Well, after that little incident I promised to really stay on top of just which players were on my roster," Wallace continued. "However, almost five months is a long time to do that, which is why on draft day I traded away Kevin Love, the second-best big man in the draft, for O.J. Mayo, another young guard who probably won't be as consistent a scorer as a low-post player. So that is why I think the NBA should allow us to play with two basketballs on offense. That way all my many guards can dribble and shoot all they want and need to and the franchise won't suffer so badly against teams that are actually run by competent general managers."

After reading Chris Wallace's proposal, NBA commissioner David Stern subsequently fell to the floor where he commenced to roll on the floor while laughing for approximately thirty minutes before recovering sufficiently enough to speak. "Outside of the draft lottery, the NBA is not in the business of rewarding incompetence," Stern said. "Nor are we about to start for the likes of Chris Wallace who doesn't even have the sense to recognize he shouldn't have four of the same player on his team. Proposal denied."