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Just The Sports: I Think Peter King Is An Idiot

Just The Sports

Monday, May 29, 2006

I Think Peter King Is An Idiot

Monday rolls around. Peter King writes an article. David points out the idiotic things Peter King says. And for this week's episode...

1. I think the one thing I'll always remember about Ironhead Heyward, who died of cancer over the weekend at 39, is how honest he was with the press. I always got a straight answer from him, even in some tough times. I'll miss him.

Peter, you egotistical bastard. You mean that the only thing you can remember about a former NFL player is that he was honest with you? Nothing at all about his play on the field? Not a single thing about the real reason you even bothered to talk to him? I hope you sleep well at night, you biased buffoon.

2. I think I said something to my bride the other night that I never thought I'd say about a New York Yankee. As many of you may have divined from this column over the years, that's not my favorite franchise on earth. Anyway, I said to her: I'm not sure about this, but I think when Derek Jeter retires, I will say he's the best baseball player I ever saw.

And I hope to God you are saying that in jest. If not, I'm going to have to ask you to explain yourself a little further...

Living in Jersey, I see the man come to bat maybe 300 times a season, and I watch him in the field maybe 40 percent of his innings.

I just want to make sure I've got this right, Peter, so bear with me. You are basing your declaration on watching less than half of his at-bats and forty-percent of his innings in the field? That's just great; not at all a reflection of small sample size. Peter, you don't watch enough baseball for your "best baseball player I ever saw" award to carry any sort of weight. Why don't you just stick to writing football-only articles? At least football is something you sort of kind of know about.

Every at-bat is quality.

Even the ones where he strikes out? Or the ones where he flies out? Or the ones when he grounds out? Or what about the ones where he needlessly lays down a sacrifice bunt and actually hurts his team's run expectation? Are those quality at-bats, too?

Every ball hit to him, and some only close to him, are gobbled up with certainty.

First, I want to introduce you to my friend, Subject-Verb Agreement. Say hello to Peter, Subject-Verb Agreement.

Subject-Verb Agreement: Hello, Peter! You know, you should have said every ball hit to him is, not every ball hit to him are.

Thank you, Subject-Verb Agreement.

Despite the obvious grammatical error, this statement is simply wrong. Jeter does not gobble up every ball hit to him with certainty. No fielder does. Even the best ones are going to bobble a ball or make a bad throw every now and then and Jeter does not even rank among the best fielders in the game.

If Jeter really gobbled up every ball with certain, then his Fielding Runs Above Average would not be -3. That's right. Negative.

He is baseball's Tiger Woods.

Wrong again. He can't be baseball's Tiger Woods since he's not baseball's best player. That honor belongs to Albert Pujols right now.

a. Congrats to Sara Armour, for making her standup-comedy debut at the Gotham Comedy Club. Sara, Mary Beth's best friend from high school and now a close personal friend of Sydney Simpson's at Boston University (just kidding, O.J.), killed in a seven-minute segment highlighted by her story of a stalker in a Boston bathroom when she was, uh, indisposed. Kathy Griffin, here she comes.

No one gives a fuck about your goddamn family or your goddamn family's friends. Stop writing about them.

b. Good to have my daughter home from L.A. for a week, in part to be in her cousin's Cape Cod wedding Friday.

See above comment.


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