Arbitrary Percentages

With more and more professional athletes choosing to conduct their inner retirement debates via the national media, arbitrary percentages everywhere are campaigning for the opportunity to be used by these athletes to describe their chances of returning to their fields and courts of play for one more season.

"Ninety-nine percent, 99.9%, and even 99.999% have all had their days in the sun, but it's time for them to move on and make room for more arbitrary percentages," 94.3% said to a collection of professional athletes, including Brett Favre and Roger Clemens, who always have retirement on the mind. "My numbers can be used for more than just a radio station. Just remember that the next time some reporter asks you what is the chance of you playing professional ball again."

Ninety-four point three percent is not the only arbitrary percentage who thinks he would suit over-the-hill athletes' needs as much as the more popular percentages. Seventy-seven point eight percent also feels all he needs is one chance to show the world what he can do.

"There is no doubt in my mind that I can be as arbitrary as, if not more so, than any other percentage out there," 77.8% stated in his first press conference after declaring his candidacy. "Although I am a dark horse candidate right now, given the chance, I can show any retirement-minded athlete that I, too, can mean absolutely nothing, no matter what question is asked."

Roger Clemens, who is the world's foremost arbitrary percentage user, says that he has been more than impressed by the platforms laid out the arbitrary percentages he listened to, but does not want to endorse any arbitrary percentage just yet.

"During my career, I have been very imaginative when it comes to arbitrary percentages," Clemens said, "not afraid to switch from 99.9% to 80%, even though they both mean the same amount of nothingness. And for all my arbitrary percentage fans out there, don't worry because the next percentage I use will be the most arbitrary of them all."