I'm On A Satire Binge

Two white University of North Carolina students, Bobby Parker and Jason Lang, were both shocked and dismayed as well angered that the 6-foot tall black guy they picked up on their team was the worst basketball player they have ever seen who was over the age of 8.

The two roommates had been looking forward to a basketball expedition all day and upon entering Woollen Gym, they quickly called next on a court where they figured they could beat either team with guys who were only decent basketball players. While they were waiting, they were joined by two other guys who asked to be on their team, leaving the two to look for a fifth. Since the game before them was being held up by 27 successive foul calls on game point, the two were not worried about finding someone else to play with them. If push came to shove, both Parker and Lang agreed that they could just pick up someone from the losing squad.

Then they were asked by a 5'6 Asian guy who identified himself as John if they needed a fifth. "Just looking at this guy I was like no way, man, you've got to be kidding me," Parker said. "After he asked me, I mumbled something ambiguous hoping he would take the hint and just find another court to play on, but he didn't. He just stayed around and started doing these weird stretches."

Right when the game they were waiting to end ended, Parker and Lang both spotted Mike Robinson, a freshman at UNC, who was actually lost and looking for Fetzer Gym where he had a class the next day and had wandered into Woollen hoping to find someone to give him directions. "When we saw him, we both had the same idea," Parker recall. "We didn't even need to say anything so I asked him to play and he said yeah. Six foot tall black guy or five foot-six inch Asian guy? You do the math."

Robinson agreed to be on their team hoping that by accepting their offer he would be able to parlay a quick game into concise directions. Luckily for John, one guy from the winning team left allowing him to be picked up. Then the game began.

"The first time we got the ball I passed it right to Mike," Parker stated, "because I wanted to see what he could do. Well, I saw all right. He dribbled once, picked up the ball to pass, and then dribbled again. All I could do was look on in disbelief. The worst part is he acted surprised when the other team called him for double dribbling."

"I thought he was just playing around, trying to hustle someone like Woody Harrelson in White Men Can't Jump," Lang added. "So when I was being double-teamed I passed it to him. That's when he, and I am not making this up, took off running to the basket and threw up what I can only hope was a shot. What I really wanted to do was say to him, 'Dude, you know you're black, right?'"

Meanwhile John scored 8 of his team's 12 points to lead his squad to victory, making Parker and Lang doubly regretful for passing up the chance to have John on their team. "I didn't even know Asians could play basketball," Lang said. "I thought they only cared about sports with horizontal nets. Who knew?"

Mike Robinson later admitted that that was only his fifth time playing basketball and he actually preferred playing tennis. He ended up not getting directions to Fetzer Gym.