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Just The Sports: Scoop Jackson Hates English

Just The Sports

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Scoop Jackson Hates English

Picking on Scoop Jackson, ESPN. com Page 2 columnist, is like picking on the retarded boy at school. Even thought you know it's wrong, well, the truth is it's so easy to do and a person gets tired. So when I found out Scoop had written an NCAA Tournament diary spanning four days, I couldn't resist. Anyone who dares to write a Tournament diary is opening up himself or herself to ridicule and if anyone makes it through mine, feel free to ridicule me. But for right now, find out what happens when Scoop Jackson and his friends get together and pretend they know something about sports.

The phone rang at 7:20 a.m. It was my man Biscuit. Aka: The Encyclopedia. "Happy NCAA day, boyee!"

An auspicious start. This is going to be fun. For the record, that greeting is vague and boy has one syllable.

By 11:10 a.m. Thursday, the crue was thick.

Misspelling words on purpose should not be done. It's not hip. It's not cool. It doesn't make you more black. It makes you look like you never went to school, which after reading some of Scoop's articles, I wouldn't be surprised if he never did.

Two days worth of fried chicken wings and catfish stacked on the stove. Cooler full of Heinekens in the middle of the living room floor. Ed (nickname "C," don't ask) walked in with the half-gallon of Jack and a two-liter of Coke. He peeped all the food. "What Joakim Noah's bringing the arch over?" It was 'bout to be on.

I, too, was confused when I read the question by Ed (nickname "C," don't ask). Then I realized he meant to say "ark" and not "arch." Or maybe Scoop just doesn't know how to spell ark. With his track record on spelling (see "crue"), it's anybody's guess.

Winthrop was balling Tennessee like Geno Auriemma was coaching them.

What does that even mean? On the one hand, Scoop is to be applauded for coming up with a simile. On the other hand, it is a bad simile.

In the NC-Wilmington game, my cousin Yahweh heard the announcers mention a player's name. "Dawg," he said, "Beckham Wyrick? With that name he's got to be the son of a Baptist preacher." Then they showed Wyrick as he stepped to the line to shoot a free throw. "Oh snap," my cousin said, "he's a white boy!"

And he still could the son of a Baptist preacher. There are Baptist preachers who are white.

I also detest the term "white boy," especially when used by blacks. It's disrespectful and reinforces a double standard when it comes to racial terms.

Then the white boy argument came up. Meaning, "Who's the baddest?" Not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good. RIP JMJ.

I'm really glad Scoop cleared that up for me because I just thought he was using incorrect grammar again. It's so hard for me to tell me with him.

Another thing, why the fuck is "RIP JMJ" in this article at all? Non sequitur statements are a sign of shoddy writing. I like pizza.

"You can't teach three things in basketball," Biscuit said. "Height, speed and how not to do dumb &*%$."

Biscuit, you can teach a a basketball player how to not do dumb &*%$. It's called coaching.

I called Leon. Left this message: "Texas is the only team with three superstars. Everyone knows about Daniel Gibson and P.J. [Tucker] but everyone is asleep on LaMarcus Aldridge. He might be the difference the rest of the tournament."

If Scoop Jackson ever deigned to do research, which I'm sure is a part of his job description as a sports writer, he would know no one who pays attention to basketball is asleep on LaMarcus Aldridge. No one. He is a consensus top-5 pick in the 2006 NBA Draft if he decides to declare for it. Of course it was probably a whole lot easier for Scoop to make ridiculously hyperbolic statements than to find out if what he was saying was actually true.


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