Millen Takes Care of Business
Detroit Lions CEO Matt Millen has had it up to here with himself and has decided to fire himself effective immediately, citing his gross incompetence and the overwhelming mediocrity of the Detroit Lions franchise as the primary reasons for his dismissal. The Ford Family, as always, have ceded to Millen's judgment and agreed that his firing was the best for the Lions because he came up with it.
During Millen's tenure which started in 2001, the Detroit Lions have gone 24-72, with their best season coming in 2004 when the Lions finished 6-10, coming two games short of a .500 record in a league that forces parity upon its teams. Yet, Millen retained his job while others lost theirs, despite overwhelming evidence that he was not qualified to handle player personnel matters.
"Today I fire myself because passing the buck is only fun the first two times you do it," Millen stated. "After that it gets kind of old and you have no choice but to look in the mirror and fire the person staring back at you. And while it was fun, really fun actually, to fire Marty Mornhinweg and Steve Mariucci and to blame them for not being able to win with the flawed roster I created, letting myself go is probably the only good decision I made since 2001. That and drafting Joey Harrington."
"I'm kidding," Millen added. "Drafting Harrington was a big mistake. What was I thinking picking a quarterback with a college completion percentage of 55.0%?"
Although the Ford Family refused to do so, Matt Millen said that he actively tried to get himself fired, seeing just how many poor personnel decisions he could make before the Ford Family would be forced to terminate his contract. One example of this is when he drafted the third straight wide receiver with the Lions' first-round draft selection. After keeping his job despite such an egregious waste of a draft pick, Millen finally realized that the Ford Family cared even less about the Lions' success than he did. While Millen certainly appreciates the extreme job security he held with the Lions organization and the freedom of never having to answer for his mistakes, he would rather experience that sort of treatment from the broadcast booth.
During Millen's tenure which started in 2001, the Detroit Lions have gone 24-72, with their best season coming in 2004 when the Lions finished 6-10, coming two games short of a .500 record in a league that forces parity upon its teams. Yet, Millen retained his job while others lost theirs, despite overwhelming evidence that he was not qualified to handle player personnel matters.
"Today I fire myself because passing the buck is only fun the first two times you do it," Millen stated. "After that it gets kind of old and you have no choice but to look in the mirror and fire the person staring back at you. And while it was fun, really fun actually, to fire Marty Mornhinweg and Steve Mariucci and to blame them for not being able to win with the flawed roster I created, letting myself go is probably the only good decision I made since 2001. That and drafting Joey Harrington."
"I'm kidding," Millen added. "Drafting Harrington was a big mistake. What was I thinking picking a quarterback with a college completion percentage of 55.0%?"
Although the Ford Family refused to do so, Matt Millen said that he actively tried to get himself fired, seeing just how many poor personnel decisions he could make before the Ford Family would be forced to terminate his contract. One example of this is when he drafted the third straight wide receiver with the Lions' first-round draft selection. After keeping his job despite such an egregious waste of a draft pick, Millen finally realized that the Ford Family cared even less about the Lions' success than he did. While Millen certainly appreciates the extreme job security he held with the Lions organization and the freedom of never having to answer for his mistakes, he would rather experience that sort of treatment from the broadcast booth.
Labels: Satire
posted by David at
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