More Satire For Your Enjoyment
In Death, Serial Rapist Remembered Fondly
Known throughout his life as a scourge upon the earth, pure scum, and #8 on the FBI's Most Wanted List, Ben Bishop was remembered fondly by the residents of Fayetteville, Arkansas as the news of his untimely demise spread quickly throughout the community. His death was the result of a shootout after federal agents busted into his house and found him eating his latest victim. After fifteen shots struck Bishop, he was pronounced dead in Washington Regional Medical Center at 7:42 P.M to the shock of all who had ever heard of him and had assumed he would go on raping and killing for many years to come.
Bishop began his career as a serial rapist at the age of 17 and when mere rape was no longer enough to satiate his primal urges, he transitioned to murdering and then feasting upon his victims' bodies. He was perhaps best known for the rape and murder of four cheerleaders who were visiting from Little Rock, a crime that made people afraid to go outdoors for several weeks afterwards.
However, even with his laundry list of crimes, there was no one who really wanted to focus on the bad things Bishop did during his 26 years of living. One of those people was his neighbor, Joseph Palmer, whose own daughter Julie was a victim of Bishop's, but chose to remember only the good about Bishop.
"He was the best neighbor you could ever want," Palmer reminisced. "He never came over to borrow anything, he never played his music too loudly, and he never let his victims scream so loudly as to interrupt your sleep. Ben was even nice enough to warn me not to let my daughter out alone or he would have to rape and kill her. I didn't listen to him and he ended up doing just that, but that just shows you how honest and trustworthy of a person Ben was. If he said he was going to rape and kill someone, then by God, he was going to do it.
"Actually," Palmer continued, "he probably did me a favor by killing Julie. College tuition was going to be a bitch to pay and she had even started talk of becoming a sorostitute. Thank goodness I don't have to witness that now and can remember her as the sweet little girl I always wished she would stay."
Paul Thompson, Ben's butcher, also had only good things to say about Bishop after he heard that Ben was dead. "Most of my customers just come in my shop, ask for their meat, and then leave, but not Ben," Thompson said. "He took a real interest in what I do for a living and really took the time to both ask me questions, like how to best chop up a human body and keep the meat from spoiling, and listen to my answers. It's because of those like Ben, who really appreciate the art of butchery, that make it all worthwhile. I'll miss him dearly."
Even FBI agent Kevin Atkinson, lead agent on the Ben Bishop case, knows it will be a long time before he meets someone who has such a profound impact on his life the way that Bishop did. During Bishop's funeral, Atkinson eulogized, "I have known many serial killers in my day, but I have respected known the way I did Ben Bishop. He raped and murdered every day like it was his last and we can all learn something from that about how to live our own lives. We should all of us try to be a little more like Ben Bishop."
Fayetteville, Arkansas residents have even started to obtain signatures to present a petition to Governor Mike Huckabee asking for a full pardon for Bishop, whom they don't want to remembered negatively while dead.