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Just The Sports: 2006-02-12

Just The Sports

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Woman Names Child Dtjauughnn, Pronounced John

Storrs, Connecticut woman Alize Jenkins recently gave birth to a health baby boy weighing 7lbs. 6 oz. at 1:23 a.m. at Natchaug Hospital. The birth of the boy was rather ordinary. However, the name Alize Jenkins decided to give him was anything but.

Ellen Sanderson, a nurse in the maternity ward or Natchaug Hospital, was the first to hear the unique spelling given to the very common first name. "Well, when I first heard her say the name," Nurse Sanderson stated, "I thought to myself, oh that's a nice, strong name. Then she started spelling it. After she finished, my immediate thought was that she was a fucking dumbass. Then I thought she must be illiterate. Then I thought how sad it was that the public school system has failed us so badly."

Alize Jenkins, however, sees nothing wrong with the spelling of her new son's name. "Anyone who can read knows that Dtjauughnn should be said the same way as John," Alize said. "Just some letters are silent and some aren't. I don't see what the big deal is. It will be pretty apparent to anyone who can read."

One of the three possible fathers of Dtjauughnn Michael Jenkins is twenty-four year old Jerome Williams. Jermo claims to be able to read and still does not know how to pronounce his possible son's name. "Even if he is my son," Jerome stated, "I still won't claim him. Not with a stupid name like that."

When Alize received word of Jerome's comments, she responded that she knew Jerome was the father, that she hadn't been with anybody but him, and that the paternity test would prove he was the father.

Africa No Longer a Continent

In a move that has been a long time in coming, the United Nations has decreed Africa will no longer be looked upon as a continent with fifty-four countries, but instead will be considered one enormous country. The decision will now make it easier to dismiss the numerous regional differences that exist among Africa's various cultures.

Mr. Jose Antonio-Ocampo, Under-Secretary-General for Economic and Social Affairs, who spearheaded the movement is very satisfied with the results. "For years, the U.N. and most of the world leaders have treated Africa like one country," he stated. "This should really come as no surprise to anyone. Even celebrities who pretend to care about Africa's problems only say they are going to Africa. And you have to ask yourself, well, what country are they going to? No longer. The answer is they are going to the country of Africa."

President of the United States George W. Bush expressed both satisfaction and regret after hearing the news. "I am both satisfied and regrettable about Africa," he said during a White House press conference. "Satisfied because this will surely make my visits to Africa fewer, but regrettable because the new country has retained the name Africa. I, for one, wanted to call it AIDS since that is what it is best known for. You know, it wouldn't be bad if we did she same thing here in America. Who can remember all the names of the forty-seven states in the Union? Sorry. Forty-eight. Thing would be a whole lot easier if the citizens of this great country become the citizens of this great state."

The news of the reduction in status of Africa has caused half-hearted reactions among the world's citizens. Bill McNally, a white male resident of Boston, Massachusetts who does not consider himself to be a racist, was shocked when he heard. "Africa wasn't a country all along?" he asked. "Wow. So when I called my three black friends African-American I was actually marginalizing their heritage. Oh man, no wonder they don't seem to like me. I thought it was just because I was their boss."

Only leaders of the African nations have actually expressed outrage at the news. However, all of the cultural, religious, and lingual differences have kept them from solving anything at all.